Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
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Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Holy crap this is wonderful
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
fixed it
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.