Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.