Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”