“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
