“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
