“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
That eye roll….
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
