Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I am patiently waiting for your email
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Software Development ⛵️
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe