Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

I thought this was funny lol

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

wish me luck lads

This one’s “Alex”.

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

At least he brought enough for everyone

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.