Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler