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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
i can鈥檛 believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Friend: I鈥檓 visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
*lights cigarette
Nah, don鈥檛 bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don鈥檛 have to catch them.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
馃捇馃ぁ
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I鈥檇 miss you and think of you often.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht