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there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated