Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
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I am a gravy boat captain
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system