Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
You Might Also Like
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
subtitles are so good nowadays
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”