{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
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Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.