{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
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My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me