{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
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Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.