{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
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Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.