Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0