Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.