[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
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Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Netflix and awkward silence?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.