Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

At least try to make it slightly believable

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that