Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

thank god

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

Watching Terminator back in the 80s: This is such a cool fictional story!

In 2025: Shit.

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

Warm pools make me nervous.

do NOT joke about being single on Valentine’s Day when picking up a firearm from the store. they do not have a sense of humor

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.