[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
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“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]