*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
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My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life