Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend