Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

guilty

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over