[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
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License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.