Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you know what I need?

body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?

me: another coffee.

body: you mother fu-

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one