*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
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“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No