[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
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I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
🤣dope
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller