Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

The photographer’s assistant

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then