[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
You Might Also Like
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.