Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”