meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
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Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
We have a winner.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.