Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

You sure about that?

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.