Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

I feel seen

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Green is just blue that someone peed in

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang