Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

Me when I try to be useful

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.