Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

😭😭

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

That’s not how days work.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.