*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.