An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
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A magician’s wife gives birth to a long series of brightly colored scarves
Me: Yep. Wine.
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
“Ugh, you’re so obsessed with me.”
Boss: “I just asked why you’re twenty minutes late?”
“Son it’s time we had the talk”
“Cmon dad I know about se..”
“Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
“It was an inside job”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?