@NoticablyBacon

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

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@AngelaEhh

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

@NicCageMatch

A magician’s wife gives birth to a long series of brightly colored scarves

@SteveSuckington

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

@NervousJr

“Ugh, you’re so obsessed with me.”

Boss: “I just asked why you’re twenty minutes late?”

@CooIStepDad

“Son it’s time we had the talk”

“Cmon dad I know about se..”

“Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

“What?”

“It was an inside job”

@iinkedZombie

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

@Shakti_Shetty

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

@Ideal_Victoria

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

@TheBoydP

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?