Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh