Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

🤣

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy