Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

Not messing around

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.