Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

*mops up wine with cat*

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Feels like the fourth month in January

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”

Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”

Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure”

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.