[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
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Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark