Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

We’ve all been there…

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

fly smarter, not harder