Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon