Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”