[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
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“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Who says great literature is dead?
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow