It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
her dad: we’ll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend
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I have 2 moods:
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
The neighbors next door are very polite. Every night one family member gets to yell at everybody. They never yell at each other.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%