@ohen39

[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
her dad: we’ll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend

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@TheCatWhisprer

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

@TheSharona06

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

@TheHyyyype

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

@SteveKoehler22

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

@BrettDruck

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

@SortaBad

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

@DudeImShawn

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

@Love_bug1016

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”