“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together