My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
her dad: we’ll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend
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Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.
Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
In the wild a pumpkin can reach speeds of up to 0mph
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”