Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
You Might Also Like
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
socratic questions
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: N臎co dal拧铆ho?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven鈥檛 bathed in weeks
them: again鈥his is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that鈥檚 the problem.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe鈥檚 and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn鈥檛 want to talk about work 馃槄
I鈥檓 getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle