Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
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apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.