Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”