Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*