Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

Left at a local drug store…

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.