Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

me irl

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”