Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

Grandmother clock.

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Cake!!

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process