Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.