Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

Become ungovernable.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.