Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

A new level of troll.

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

ATMs should have breathalyzers

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up