*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
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I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them