Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

WTF

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’