*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
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[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Incredible customer service.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I love it all
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I’ve had worse
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded