Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter