Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
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husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Oh yeah that’s it
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.