Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

The internet is magic sometimes.

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

reviewed some movies recently

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Me when someone tries to get to know me

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets