Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?