Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

☺️

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

🤣

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.