Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

some things should go without saying

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t