Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up