@mdob11

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

You Might Also Like

@fro_vo

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

@isabelzawtun

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

@Bob_Janke

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

@ClichedOut

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

@michaelianblack

The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.

@ArfMeasures

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

@Marlebean

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

@wickedsuga

No, takeout goes in the front seat.
You sit in the back.

@mydmac

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

@Douchekevin

Four 6 year old girls playing quietly at 7am is called a horde of elephants having a foot race.