[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

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whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic


“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.


There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.


ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers


The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.


911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit


I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.


No, takeout goes in the front seat.
You sit in the back.


*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.


Four 6 year old girls playing quietly at 7am is called a horde of elephants having a foot race.