[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

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My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken


A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal


okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?


For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”


I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.


Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?


Currently trying to figure out how to tase someone through the phone.

In case anybody wanted to know how my day is going.


What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?


Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??