[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

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Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.


Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!


I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list


me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her

wife: [stops fighting murderer] what



God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“


Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”


“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.


[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning


If you think the USA can shoot down nuclear missiles fired by North Korea just remember we couldn’t even have lights at the Super Bowl.


IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit


ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn