whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
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“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
No, takeout goes in the front seat.
You sit in the back.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Four 6 year old girls playing quietly at 7am is called a horde of elephants having a foot race.