@mdob11

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

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@delusions_of

Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.

@DrakeJoshQuotez

Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!

@ShortSleeveSuit

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her

wife: [stops fighting murderer] what

@Spaziotwat

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

@Reverend_Scott

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

@The_Albinoshrek

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

@KrunkedRobot

If you think the USA can shoot down nuclear missiles fired by North Korea just remember we couldn’t even have lights at the Super Bowl.

@OfficeofSteve

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

@panmidwest

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn