@mdob11

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

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@dumbbeezie

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

@JoeRegular4

A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

@Tobi_Is_Fab

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

@Manda_like_wine

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

@LuvPug

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

@davepell

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

@IamVRising

Currently trying to figure out how to tase someone through the phone.

In case anybody wanted to know how my day is going.

@gavinspeiller

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

@karanbirtinna

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??