[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
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I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
our love story in four pictures
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time